The Brain’s “Us vs. Them” State—and How We Can Soften It
What neuroscience reveals about polarization—and how we can reconnect
Lately, several of my clients have shared about the tension they’re experiencing with loved ones—often over major differences in, let’s name it, politics. We live in an increasingly polarized world, and I thought it might be timely to reflect on the brain state behind this dynamic: the “us vs. them” mindset.
It’s both fascinating and sobering to realize how early our brains begin to sort the world into us and them. Studies have shown that even by three months old, babies begin to show a preference for faces they are most familiar with—often those who look or sound like their caregivers. As we grow, our brains continue this sorting process: who feels familiar, who feels different, who feels safe.
On a biological level, this makes sense. Our brains are built to detect threat and protect us. The amygdala, for example, becomes more active when we encounter people we perceive as “different.” Meanwhile, the parts of the brain that support empathy—like the medial prefrontal cortex—can become less responsive when thinking about someone outside our own group.
Neuroscientist David Eagleman shares an example of this in The Brain: The Story of You, where people watched video clips of hands being pricked with a needle. The surprising finding was that the brain’s empathy response was stronger when the hand belonged to someone from the viewer’s own group—even though the physical pain was the same. Our brains don’t always measure fairness; they measure familiarity.
This “us vs. them” wiring shows up everywhere—in politics, in parenting styles, in how we react to cultural or generational differences. And while it may begin in the brain, it’s also shaped by language and repetition. The more we hear messages that separate or dehumanize others, the easier it is for empathy to shut down.
But there is good news: this isn’t the full story of the brain—it’s just a part of it. We’re also wired for connection, and our empathy circuits can be reawakened. Awareness is a powerful first step. When we begin to notice the moments our brains want to shut down or judge, we have an opportunity to pause, soften, and choose something different.
Some gentle practices to help shift “us vs. them” thinking:
Get curious. When something feels different or uncomfortable, pause and ask yourself: What’s the story here? What might I not know yet?
Notice your language. Even subtle ways of speaking can reinforce division. Ask yourself: Does this word uphold someone’s dignity—or take it away?
Tend to your body. Empathy becomes more accessible when we’re regulated. Slow your breath. Ground your feet. Give your nervous system the safety it needs to stay open.
Engage across differences. Whether through a podcast, a book, or a real conversation—exposure matters. The more we see others as complex and human, the harder it becomes to reduce them to “them.”
Remember shared humanity. Every person carries a story. Every person belongs to someone. Every person is more than the label we might be tempted to give them.
In therapy, I often walk with people as they reconnect with parts of themselves they’ve learned to exile or ignore. I believe something similar happens when we take the risk to see others more fully. When we move beyond labels and into relationship—even if just for a moment—we create room for healing.
It may not change the world overnight. But every small act of curiosity and care begins to rewire us—toward empathy, toward compassion, and toward one another.
